Why the Disrespect?

Eye rolling. Door slamming. “I hate you.”

If you’re a parent, you’ve probably experienced at least one of these. It can really hurt if you take it personally, and when you are hurting, a common reaction is to hurt back by taking away privileges, yelling, or punishing as a way to try to stop that behavior. Unfortunately, these responses just cause a cycle of disrespect that worsens over time. So what should we do instead?

Well, first, it's important to understand a very important truth: children are not born disrespectful. So where does it start? Let’s review the basics of behavior.

Behavior Is Communication

Remember, everything we do as humans is to meet a need; it is the driving force behind our behavior because it is based on survival. When these needs are met, children feel good and have good behavior. When these needs are not met, children feel bad and can exhibit unhealthy or negative behaviors. This is what we often call “misbehavior.”

Misbehavior Isn’t Bad Behavior

Children aren’t “bad” when they misbehave; they’re communicating. Babies cry to alert you that they need food, sleep, a diaper change, or hugs. Toddlers say, "No!" to alert you that they need autonomy and independence. These behaviors may be categorized as negative, but they do not make your children bad. They just have a need that is not being met.

Yes, that means eye rolling, disrespect, and "I hate you" are often signs that something deeper is going on:

• They feel disconnected

• They feel disrespected

• They feel hurt or misunderstood

So if our children aren't born disrespectful, unfortunately, that means it probably started with us. Ugh. I know. BUT. That puts us in a powerful position to change it. Let's first understand how you may be unknowingly causing a cycle of disrespect.

How Disrespect Can Be Created (Unintentionally)

Even the most loving parents can fall into patterns that chip away at mutual respect. Here are a few common ones:

1. Judging- Judgment is often the first level of rejection. When children feel judged for their thoughts or emotions, they can shut down or push back.

2. Using Punishment- Punishment hurts. Instead of teaching, it often creates a “me vs. you” dynamic, leading to more disconnection and can make them want to hurt back.

3. Breaking Trust- If children feel they can’t trust you, or that you don’t trust them, it can break down mutual respect.

4. Not Taking Accountability- Kids notice everything. When we don’t own our mistakes, it can cause them to lose respect.

5. Allowing Disrespect- Although you don't want to be disrespectful to your children, you also don't want to allow them (or your partner) to disrespect you. It's important to have boundaries for how others speak to you, but it is possible to do that without being hurtful to your child.

The Real Solution: Mutual Respect

The key to stopping disrespect isn’t control—it’s connection and leadership.

That means stepping out of the cycle of reacting and into a more intentional way of responding. You are the leader in this relationship, so you are the one who must stop the disrespect cycle first. Here are 5 powerful shifts you can make:

5 Ways to Build Mutual Respect

1. Validate Instead of Judge- Get curious about your child’s experience. Even if you don’t agree, you can still acknowledge their feelings: “I can see you’re really frustrated right now.”

2. Replace Punishment with Connected Consequences.- Consequences should teach, not hurt. When they’re rooted in connection, children are more likely to learn and grow.

3. Build (and Rebuild) Trust- Be consistent and reliable, give them appropriate privacy, and extend trust in small, meaningful ways. Trust grows over time—and in both directions.

4. Take Accountability- If you’ve overreacted or made a mistake, say so: “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way.” This models maturity and earns respect.

5. Expect Respect (and Model It)- Set a clear boundary: “I’m not okay being spoken to that way. I’m going to step away, and we can talk when we’re both calm.” Respect goes both ways, always.

Starting Fresh

If your relationship feels strained, it’s not too late to reset. Have an honest conversation with your child:

• Acknowledge ways you may have hurt them

• Apologize sincerely

• Talk about how you can both move forward with more respect

You might be surprised how powerful this can be.

For more, please check out my podcast episode 25 on YouTube or Apple, and download the worksheet here. I'm also available to help coach you through this challenging time! Call me for free, and we can discuss how my coaching could work for your schedule and budget.