Authoritarianism Is Out; Togetherness Is In

For centuries, we’ve been told that strong leadership means being a "boss", taking full control, and demanding obedience. But here’s what I’ve learned after 25+ years as a teacher, family coach, and parent: Authoritarianism is not strong leadership. It’s harmful, and it’s no longer working. We can see its downfall in nearly all areas of our world right now- law enforcement, schools, and governments are all struggling to maintain authoritarianism.

It's time to move toward a leadership style that values its people and leads with inclusion instead of the division promoted by domination and control.

Authoritarianism Is Out

First, let's review what this leadership style is.

Authoritarianism is a hierarchical power structure that creates separation. It’s built on the idea that one person sits at the top and everyone else is beneath them.

Authoritarian leaders:

• Boss and micromanage

• Take full control

• Expect obedience without input

• Rely on rewards and punishments

• Value themselves more than those “under” them

• Operate from a “me vs. them” mindset

This type of leadership may work temporarily; however, when people feel divided, unseen, or undervalued, their needs go unmet. When needs are not met, people feel bad, and negative feelings cause more negative behavior. Authoritarianism promotes rebellion, fighting, manipulation, and competition, and forces compliance instead of inspiring cooperation.

Why Isn’t It Working Anymore?

Because trust is broken.

Across society, we’ve lost trust in leaders who operate from power-over models because we’ve seen too many examples of leaders who did not have the best interests of their people at heart. Obeying is no longer automatically seen as beneficial, or even safe. We are also more educated now. We understand bullying dynamics and recognize that the “bully” often operates from insecurity, not strength.

And yet many parents and educators hesitate to let go of authoritarianism because they fear what they think is the only alternative: permissiveness. But permissiveness is not the opposite of authoritarianism. It's just another form of hierarchy- where the members are at the top, and the leaders are at the bottom. This structure is just as harmful because there are no boundaries or structure to keep the group safe.

We don’t need control.

We don’t need chaos.

We need balance.

Togetherness Is In

The future of leadership is not about power over people. It’s about bringing people together and leading with what I call Balanced Leadership. It’s not permissive. It’s not authoritarian. It’s grounded, confident, wise, and balanced.

Balanced Leadership looks like:

• A circular structure instead of a pyramid

• A leader who sees everyone as equally valuable

• A leader who is trustworthy, steady, and clearly in charge

• An “us vs. the problem” mindset instead of “me vs. them”

Balanced Leadership also provides a healthy balance of two essential human needs:

1. Belonging (Our #1 Need)

People thrive when they feel:

• Connected

• Respected

• Encouraged

• Part of a team

Belonging promotes cooperation, reduces power struggles, and builds motivation.

2. Boundaries

Boundaries protect the health and safety of the group while respecting everyone's rights and freedoms. In balanced leadership:

• Boundaries are clearly established

• Kindly enforced

• Respectfully reciprocated

This is not about control. It’s about safety and structure.

Finding balance may feel challenging after centuries of imbalance. But that doesn’t mean it can't be done.

Is It Possible to Lead This Way?

Yes, absolutely. This is how I ran my classroom for years.

My students knew I was in charge. But they also knew I valued them because we operated as a team. When problems came up, we sat together and brainstormed solutions until we found the right one. I gave them lots of choice and control in a way that never overstepped my own or others' boundaries. I was honest with them, I laughed with them, and I had limits and structures that made sense. It made the classroom so much more enjoyable for all of us.

And it worked.

If it can work in a classroom (a mini version of society), I truly believe it can work in all other leadership, even in government.

Look for Balanced Leaders

Think about leaders, past or present, who:

• Unite rather than divide

• Lead with calm confidence

• Protect boundaries while honoring dignity

• Bring people together instead of positioning themselves above others

  
  

These are the role models we need more of. This is the leadership of the future.

But here’s the empowering truth:

You don’t have to wait for the world to change.

You can start in your home.

Start at Home: “Let’s Do This.”

Balanced Leadership benefits everyone in the family. It reduces conflict, builds trust, and strengthens relationships. Here’s your homework:

1. Promote Belonging

• Create a team mindset: “us vs. the problem.”

• Invite your children’s opinions.

• Make sure they feel connected, respected, and encouraged.

  
  

2. Provide Boundaries

• Establish clear expectations that protect everyone’s health and safety.

• Respect their rights and freedoms.

• Enforce boundaries kindly and consistently.

• Model reciprocity — respect goes both ways.

  
  

This is leadership without authoritarianism. This is leading with togetherness.

And this is the foundation of what I teach in everything I do- leading families with Balanced Leadership instead of control.

The future of leadership starts in our homes.

Let’s do this.

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If you'd like more about this topic, please check out my podcast episode 24, Authoritarianism is Out; Togetherness is In on Apple Podcasts or YouTube. I also have an upcoming book called The Tame Method, which teaches parents a step-by-step method for being a Balanced Leader at home, so parenting is easier and more enjoyable. Keep a lookout for the presale coming soon!