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Consequences vs. Punishments
- Kristen Tame
- Apr 15
- 2 min read
Updated: Apr 24
Consequences are one of my favorite parenting tools for Limit-Pushing behavior; however, they can often be confused with punishments, which hurt the relationship between you and your child and negatively affect their mental health. Because of that, some parenting experts suggest not using consequences. I wholeheartedly disagree. When used effectively, they are the perfect way to enforce boundaries- as long as they are not punishments in disguise. So how do you know the difference, and how can you make sure you are using them effectively?
First off, it's important to understand what punishments are and why they harm our kids. Punishment is actually a form of parental misbehavior (unhealthy responses to negative feelings). They are tactics parents use to make children feel bad or shameful for their actions or choices. When parents are hurt or feeling overpowered by a child, they will often retaliate by taking things away the child loves (hurt seeking) or by becoming more powerful and controlling (power seeking). These may temporarily alleviate the parent's feelings of hurt and powerlessness, but ultimately, punishments are ineffective because they make our children feel bad, which just starts a cycle of more misbehavior.
Example: You didn’t do the dishes after dinner when you said you would, so now you can’t go to the concert with your friends on Saturday.
The child feels hurt or challenged by the parent's punishment, so seeks to hurt or overpower them. And the cycle continues. Eventually, punishment may make a child comply out of fear, but compliance is simply the illusion of good behavior. What parents want instead is cooperation that comes from using consequences.
Consequences are kind, supportive ways we help our children learn healthy limits, behaviors, and routines and elicit cooperation. They are real-world and logic-based. They are NOT emotional. They are simply an effect of overstepping a necessary boundary. Your children are still young and don't have the structures in place for good habits and behaviors yet. Consequences are a great way to let children know when they have overstepped a boundary or rule or gotten off track into unhealthy habits, but there is no need to make them harsh, unkind, or hurtful.
Example: You didn't do the dishes after dinner like you said you would, so now you have to wake up early to get it done before you go to school.
Effective Connected Consequences should be revealed in advance, related, respectful, and consistently enforced. I promise you, once you get these right, they are a lifesaver when it comes to managing your family routines, rules, and limits.
If you'd like to read more about the qualities of effective consequences, click below.
If you'd rather watch, check out these episodes of my podcast, Our Home Room:
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