Permissive Parenting Myths

Permissive parenting came about because so many parents were traumatized by authoritarian discipline when they were young, that they swung too far in the other direction. Although authoritarianism has been shown to cause a lot of damage to our children in the long run, permissive parenting also has some harmful effects. Permissive parenting is a hierarchical style of parenting where children are at the top of the hierarchy and parents are at the bottom. Kids' needs and feelings are prioritized more than parents', so parents really struggle holding boundaries. Because of this, parents are often over-involved in their children's lives, which can prevent children from learning perseverance, plus it can promote overwhelm in parents. So while authoritarianism has its own set of harmful techniques, permissive parenting is not much better.

Most parents don't want to be permissive, but these misunderstood parenting myths are perpetuating many damaging beliefs. So let's go into the three most common permissive parenting myths that I have seen in my teaching and coaching practice, why they are problematic, and what truths to adopt instead.

Myth 1: Our kids should be the priority over everything else.

This may sound good in theory, but it can cause two problems. One, kids are raised without boundaries. This can promote entitlement, so children grow up to have a hard time respecting the boundaries of others in their adult relationships. It's important children see healthy boundaries being modeled, both so they themselves feel comfortable holding boundaries with others, and also so they learn to respect others having boundaries with them as they develop their own friendships and romantic relationships.

The second problem that occurs is that permissive parents often overdo and tend to their children more than themselves, which can mean they are neglecting their own needs. This can lead to overwhelm, burnout, and even resentment, and can impact how well they parent. Kids want their parents to be happy. They do not want to be the reason their parents are stressed.

Myth 2: I must prevent failure, mistakes, and negative emotions.

This is problematic because it keeps children from learning perseverance and developing confidence. The only way to learn perseverance is by picking ourselves up after failure. If parents are continually preventing mistakes and failure, it will prevent their growth. Often, parents have their own discomfort with the negative feelings that accompany these mess-ups, so they step in to help their children avoid them. And yes, it's uncomfortable to deal with failure, but your discomfort is not more important than their growth. So as hard as it is, if it is not a health or safety issue, it is SO important to your children's futures that you allow children those consequences that come with life. Instead, just be there on the side to help them through it and let them know we believe in them and are there to help if they need it.

Myth 3: The more hands-on I am with my kids, the better they will be.

I'd actually counter that our children do better when we are more hands-off than hands-on. Yes, of course, we should be there on the side cheering them on and encouraging their growth, but parents should not be stepping in to clear all obstacles on the path for their children. When parents step in too much, children do not learn how to navigate their independence on their own, and it can prevent them from learning self-sufficiency. And when parents do things their children are capable of doing themselves, it implies that the child can't do it for themselves. This can make the child lose trust in themselves. Instead, we want to give children as much space, time, and independence as is safe so they can explore who they are and learn to rely on themselves in times of trouble. Plus, the more belief and trust you have in them, the more they will have in themselves.

So while authoritarianism is a harmful way to raise our children, we don't want to swing so far over that we are into permissiveness. There should instead be a good balance of holding firm and kind boundaries, allowing our children space and independence, and creating a loving and caring bond through mutual respect. The more we can create this kind of balance in our homes, the more successful our children will be in both the present and future, AND the more we will get to enjoy parenting them for these few short years.

If you'd like more about authoritarian and permissive parenting myths, please check out my podcast episodes 16 and 17, or if you're really stuck and tired of struggling with your child's behavior, please reach out to me to schedule a free phone call. I promise you, just a few sessions is all it will take to turn things around so you have a more peaceful home life!