Authoritarian Parenting Myths

Most parents today know that authoritarianism is not a healthy way to raise their children. However, there are still a few authoritarian parenting myths lingering around that are making it hard to parent differently. I'm here today to help give you the confidence you need to walk away from these myths once and for all, so you and your children can foster a deeply loving and firmly boundaried relationship instead.

In case you aren't up to speed about the dangers of authoritarianism, let me give a brief rundown of its negative effects. Authoritarian beliefs like the three myths below cause disconnection, hurt, and disrespect, which hurts both parents and kids. Our relationship with our children is the number one indicator of their future success- the better that relationship, the more they will thrive in adulthood. When children feel rejected, hurt, or controlled by a parent, they will also misbehave in a variety of other ways, like rebellion, lying, & disrespect, which makes parenting unsuccessful and a lot less enjoyable. If you're still holding onto any of these three popular myths, I'll explain why they're problematic and causing more work for you and less success for your child.

Myth 1: My kids misbehave because they are bad.

Misbehavior is simply unhealthy or inconvenient behavior that children use to meet their needs. It doesn't make them bad, it makes them normal. When babies are born and they cry out- we don't call that "bad" or "misbehavior." We know they are simply crying because they have an unmet need- food, sleep, a new diaper, or to be held. But when they are toddlers and they start saying "no," we suddenly start calling them "bad" and trying to stop or control that "misbehavior."

However, all misbehavior is just a clue that there is some underlying need your child is missing. Our toddlers, who always say no, are looking to create some boundaries around their space and independence. They are trying to find their personal power, just like a baby is trying to find food or comfort. When we blame our kids for being "bad," we stop getting curious as to what they actually need. It completely takes away the parents' responsibility to meet those unmet needs, and then when parents use punishment to try to control the behavior, eventually it transforms into a different type or temporarily disappears, only to come back (usually stronger) later.

Instead, you want to adopt the understanding that it is the parents' responsibility to provide 3 Boundary needs and 3 Belonging needs, and when these needs are met, children feel good and have good behavior. (I have created a simple framework for understanding these 6 needs to help parents decipher their children's misbehavior, so you can more easily provide their needs, which I have explained here.) Once your children's needs are met, only then will the misbehavior truly stop.

Myth 2: I'm not here to be my kid's friend.

It is true that we should not be peers with our children, but we absolutely should be a friendly, loving, and boundaried leader. Your children should feel that they can trust you. That you love, accept, and respect them just as they are. That you have their back through all of life's troubles. You should be their biggest fan and their home base- their safe place to come to when things get scary. The world is already full of people who will criticize, hurt, and dismiss your child. Allow yourself to be the one your kids can count on to fill them up and help them feel loved and confident to take on anything life throws at them.

Not only does this give your children a better chance to succeed in the world, but it also makes your job a lot easier. When we create a loving and respectful bond with our children, their biggest need of belonging is met, so you will see less manipulation, disrespect, and defiance. And then the cherry on top is that later in life, chances are better you will maintain a close relationship with them. So no, you aren't relating to them like a peer, but yes, you should absolutely foster a friendly, supportive, and loving relationship.

Myth 3: My kids should listen to me. I know more than they do.

Sure, when it comes to being a human in society, you probably know a lot more. But as far as knowing your child? Their likes, dislikes, skills, and opinions? You will never know your child as much as they know themselves. So instead of shutting their ideas down, get curious. Listen and ask follow-up questions. Why do they think that? Why does that feel right to them? Our children are born with their own inner wisdom, and if you take the time to get curious, you will learn so much. I have worked with over 1,500 students in my career, and every year I was amazed at how much they seemed to know that I didn't learn until I was an adult.

They also have their own inner guidance system telling them what is the right path for them and what isn't. But because they are young, they will get it wrong as they learn their body's yes and no signals. It's ok to let them make the wrong choice sometimes. As long as it is not dangerous, let them try things you think won't work out. Sometimes you'll be wrong! But when they do mess up, be there with a loving smile to tell them it's ok. The only way our children will learn perseverance is if they fall on their butts a few times and learn to pick themselves back up... but it's even better if they have a loving parent at their side rooting them on and letting them know that it's ok- mistakes are part of learning and growing.

And most importantly, when we override our children's ideas and opinions when they are young, they can grow to be adults who question themselves. Self doubt can cripple their confidence, so the more you can promote your child's voice and choice while being ok with their flub ups, the better and braver your child will be as an adult.

Hopefully, this helped clear up some of these pervasive authoritarian parenting myths so you can confidently go forward knowing you are ok to let these go. If you'd like to watch my podcast episode where I go into a bit more detail, click here.

I'll be writing about permissive parenting myths in my next post, so if you don't want to miss it, sign up to receive it in your inbox!

And remember, I am always here with any questions or concerns you have about your parenting. My goal is to help you and your children thrive so you can enjoy your family life as much as possible!