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Kristen Tame
Need help with misbehavior right now and can't get to your book? No problem! Click the button below to follow the 3 Ps and get strategies now!
You've Got This!
Step 1: PAUSE
Take a few seconds to bring your energy down and step into Balanced Leadership.
Remember- misbehavior is just a clue to an unmet need. The more you can create an us vs. the problem mindset, the easier it will be to get back to better behavior.
You can take 3 deep belly breaths while watching one of the calming videos below, or do your own process for calming down.
Take note of your behavior and your feelings.
THEN, scroll down for Step 2: PINPOINT.
(If you can't calm down because you are in a conflict, tell your child you need to take a break first and then you can talk things out)
Step 2: PINPOINT
Next, identify your child's misbehavior and your feelings.
Click the button to get a momentary strategy for that missing need.
Step 3: PROVIDE
Finally, you will provide a momentary strategy that meets the missing need.
Momentary Connection
You will see Attention-Seeking behavior and will feel annoyed, guilty, bothered needed, and want to take some time away.
Your child may need connection, affection, time, authenticity, personal interaction, attention, warmth, fun, play, and/or to feel included.
Briefly Connect
1. If you have time…
Stop what you are doing and give your child your undivided attention. Often, they just want eye contact or affection. They want to know you are tuned in to them. If they share something, give them your full attention: Put your phone down or take a break and play. A few minutes of authentic, heartfelt connection will often do the trick.
2. If you are busy or burned out…
Take time to authentically connect before you set a boundary. Get on their level and look them in the eye. Make them feel special and loved, maybe with a hug or other affection, but let them know now is not the time because you are busy. Say:
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“Oh, I cannot wait to hear about your day, but let me finish this text first, and then you can fill me in.”
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“I can’t wait to spend time with you tonight, but right now, I need to cook dinner/complete something for work/call your grandmother. How about we play a game/talk/(whatever feels good for you) after dinner?”
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“I know you need some time with me, but I am exhausted and wouldn’t be a good listener. Let’s figure out a better time so I can give you my full attention.”
You might witness a temporary disappointment, but most of the time, this is all they need: a taste of authentic connection from you and a promise for more later. Just make sure you follow through if you make future plans. Otherwise, next time, they won’t believe you, and the Attention-Seeking behavior will continue.
Important Note
If you connect and set a boundary, and behavior escalates, it is no longer Attention-Seeking behavior. If you start to see disrespect or a power struggle, then you need to move into strategies for those misbehaviors (Hurt-Seeking/Respect or Power-Seeking/Reciprocated Boundaries).
Momentary Respect
You will see Hurt-Seeking behavior and will feel hurt, offended, disrespected, and may want to hurt back.
Your child may need respect, acceptance, belonging, empathy, love, trust, or to be deeply seen, validated, and understood.
Validate Their Venting
First, remember, they are hurting. Make sure you are really grounded for this one because it’s tough not to take this behavior personally. It’s aimed to disrespect, hurt, or punish you because they feel disrespected, hurt, or punished. So, as badly as they are acting, remember that is how badly they are feeling.
Next, validate their feelings. When we are emotional, the rational part of our brains is gone. It has retreated, and that primal brain is active. You cannot reason with an overemotional person. They don’t want your solutions or advice, and definitely not your lecture. The only way we can bring back the rational part of our brain when we are upset is to feel the feelings and move past them. When your child (or really anyone) is distraught, it is not the time to start with advice. Just listen. Nod. Tell them you get it and agree it is upsetting. With your younger children, you might give them words for their feelings and be comforting with your physical actions more than your words.
If they are upset about a general problem, validate:
• “Oh, wow. You are really upset right now, and I totally understand why. I’d be mad too.”
• “I see you are really hurting right now, and I’m so sorry. That must feel terrible.”
• “It looks like you are angry right now. Would you like a hug?”
If they are directly mad at you, offer amends:
• “If I hurt you, I’m sorry. After you feel better, let’s talk and figure out what I can do better so you aren’t upset.”
• “I hate seeing you this upset, and if it’s something I have done, I want to know so I can apologize.”
If they are rude or disrespectful, take a break:
• “I love you, and I want to be here for you while you are mad, but I don’t like being talked to this way. Maybe let’s take a breath and try again? Or do you want hugs instead?”
If it continues:
• “Okay, this will end up making things worse, so I’m going to take a shower/get a snack/go to the bathroom/etc., and I’ll check in with you again in a minute.”
If they get upset and clearly do want you to stay with them, stay and try to direct the conversation toward what they are actually angry at. Offer love and support but also be honest if what they say is hurtful or rude. Of course, overlook much of it—depending on age, they may not be able to regulate at all. But older children understand their words can negatively affect others. We are all human and deserve to be treated with respect, even when someone is angry.
If this is a sibling conflict:
• Do not take sides! You can validate their emotions while staying completely neutral.
• Once things have calmed down, problem-solve. Only then can you move into finding a solution to the conflict.
• To see if they’re ready, say, “Do you want to brainstorm solutions right now or wait till later? I’m here when you’re ready.” Or “I’m ready to talk through this issue when you are.”
The goal of momentary validation is to calm the immediate emotion, but usually, this behavior comes from a deep need for more ongoing respect.
Important Note
If you feel emotionally triggered by your child’s behavior, it’s important to take a break. We also cannot think clearly or problem-solve when we are upset, and we can often make things worse. So, even if they seem ready to talk but you aren’t, be honest that you are still upset and need a break before engaging. When you feel able to move into an us vs. the problem mindset, then you are ready to work through it.
Momentary Encouragement
You will see Avoidance-Seeking behavior and will feel helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed, and will want to overdo or give up.
Your child may need encouragement, support, baby steps, courage, confidence, to be celebrated, or to have belief in their abilities.
Let Go and Lift Up
If your child is avoiding, it usually stems from some type of overwhelm. Either they are overwhelmed by the number of tasks, the amount of time, or the expectations they don’t think they can achieve. However, often they have lost confidence in themselves because they have a parent who first lost confidence in them. If that happens, the parents tend to push harder (or even worse, start doing things their child can do themselves), which makes things worse because it reconfirms that their parents don’t believe in them anymore either. These children hold a negative view of themselves and need help finding faith in themselves again.
The only solution you can provide momentarily for these children is to let go of whatever expectations are overwhelming them and stop the critiques. Then lift them up by reminding them you love them, even if they don’t reach these particular goals. Focus on their strengths to get their mind (and maybe yours too) back to focusing on what they can do.
If they are struggling with things that are outside of your relationship with them:
• “I know you feel defeated because you can’t seem to figure this out, but I love you even when you don’t figure it out the first time. I’m sorry things have become such a struggle. Let’s find a way to make it easier.”
• “I know things have been tough lately, but you are so good at __. Why don’t we focus on that for a while, and let this go for now?”
If they are struggling with your expectations for them or you need to acknowledge that you have been doing too much, own up to that and commit to making changes.
• “I know I have been hard on you about your schoolwork, and I’m sorry. I really do have faith in your ability to do it on your own, so I am willing to back off. Let’s come up with some goals together that work better for you.”
• “Your messy room is not more important than our relationship, and I’m sorry if my nagging has made you feel that way. Let’s let it go for now and think about a way we can compromise that works for both of us.”
• “I think I’ve been doing too much of what you can do for yourself. I’m sorry I misjudged your abilities. I believe in you; let’s come up with a better way to do things so I’m not stepping in as much.”
If they are really discouraged, they may need to be redirected and reminded of their strengths and talents in other areas.
• “How’s that Minecraft building coming along? I know you have put so much time into that and you’re so good at it. Can I see your progress so far?”
• “Wow, I can’t believe you were able to draw that! I don’t think I ever could. You’re really talented. Maybe you could teach me sometime?”
Let your child know that nothing means more to you than them and your relationship with them. Grades, chores, and sports may seem important; however, to your discouraged child, it’s too much right now, so it’s time to let go and build them up. Also, keep in mind that the task you are asking them to do may seem easy to you, but your kids are different and less experienced than you. Assume they are doing the best they can, so if this is the best they have, then that means they must feel really overwhelmed or discouraged. Try to get into a place of empathy before you respond, so you don’t respond with frustration. Then, after making the statements above, make sure you commit to following through with Encouragement as your top priority.
Discouraged children did not become this way overnight, so in order to see true changes in their behavior, you will have to provide more Ongoing Encouragement.
Momentary Established Boundaries
You will see Rule-Breaking behavior and will feel irritated, confused, baffled, and find yourself repeating directions
Your child may need more structure, clarity, communication, safety, security, or practice.
Rule Reminder
Kids are not breaking rules because they are “dumb” or being “bad.” It’s usually because there has not yet been a rule clarified in that situation, or it is unclear in some way. It could also be because it hasn’t been necessary in a while, and they have forgotten it. Or it might be a new rule they have not yet had enough consistent repetition with to ingrain it in their habits. If you have already established and communicated the rule, practiced it, and set up a consequence for it, it might need to be enforced; go to the next section, Enforced Boundaries.
So, take a breath, ground yourself, and establish, communicate, or practice that rule when you see it being broken. You can also use this moment to have them practice it correctly or to use as a warning for an upcoming consequence if it happens again.
• New situation that demands a new rule: “Whoa, everyone running into the car to grab a seat at once clearly didn’t work. You guys got trampled! Everyone, get out of the car, and let’s try again. Let’s set up a rule that we always have to get into the car calmly; that way, no one gets hurt.
• Old rule that needs a reminder: “I know it’s been a while since we have eaten dinner at home, but I see you left your dish out on the table. Remember, we agreed everyone would rinse off their own dishes after dinner, so I’d appreciate it if you’d come back out and do that.”
• Rule that keeps being broken and must now be enforced: “I stepped on a Lego again, and it really hurt my foot. It’s so important you keep your Legos out of the hallway where people walk because it is dangerous. I know it’s hard to remember, but the next time Legos are in the hallway, we are going to have to put them away for a day until we figure out a better place for them.”
Basically, providing momentary Established Boundaries means creating a new rule or giving a reminder for a rule that hasn’t been practiced enough.
Momentary Enforced Boundaries
You will see Limit-Pushing behavior and will feel exasperated, resentful, walked on, and want to control.
Your child may need enforced boundary limits, consistency, safety, order, or for you to hold your personal boundaries.
Connected Consequences
FIRST- Do not use punishments! Punishments are a form of parental misbehavior used to hurt or overpower over our children. They do not instill cooperation and they hurt our kids which means it may temporarily stop the current misbehavior, but it will promote other misbehaviors like rebellion, revenge, lying, manipulating, and cheating.
Instead you want to use what I call Connected Consequences. This is what I call the consequences that we come up with as parents. They are “connected” to help remind us that they should relate to the behavior in the same way natural consequences do, but they should also keep us connected with our children. Pushing limits is normal behavior when limits are not enforced consistently. This does not make the children “bad,” just unclear or untrained, and there is no reason to train them in a way that is bossy, mean, or hurtful. The Connected Consequences are simply kind nudges that help our children establish and maintain necessary healthy routines and habits.
Effective Connected Consequences should be revealed in advance, related, respectful, and consistent.
Revealed in Advance
Children must know what the consequence will be if they overstep a boundary, just like we know what will happen if we fail to put the garbage out. It is fair to the kids, but also makes it easier to enforce because they can’t argue that they didn’t know. However, I often found that I didn’t know something needed a consequence until I was in the situation. That means the first time a child does that particular thing wrong, I cannot enact the consequence. If you find yourself in that situation, use it as a warning and set up the consequence for next time.
• If a child doesn’t put their dirty laundry in the basket, you can say, “This time, I will get your laundry off the floor, but if this happens again, I will only do the laundry that is in the bin.”
• If they forget their laptop at home and call you to bring it to them at school, say, “This time I will take it to school, but if it happens again, you’ll have to go without it.”
Related
Consequences must directly relate to the behavior in a way that mimics natural or logical consequences. If I fail to put the garbage out by 6:00 a.m., the garbage team simply doesn’t pick up the garbage. They don’t tell me I can’t go to my friend’s party that day.
• If laundry isn’t in the basket, it doesn’t get washed. (Don’t take away video games.)
• If they forget their laptop, they have to take notes on paper and redo them later on the laptop at home. (Don’t take their phones for a week.)
If your consequence cannot be lined up in a way that is related to a necessary overstepped boundary, then chances are it’s a punishment, not a consequence.
Respectful
Remember, consequences are the firm way we keep children on a healthy path, but there is no reason to deliver them disrespectfully. In fact, if you do, you will get disrespect mirrored back to you at some later time. To keep consequences respectful, make sure you have established the necessity of your boundaries because when you go to enforce them, it will make sense to your children, and they won’t feel like you’re just being bossy.
There is no lecturing or shaming involved in enforcing a consequence. There’s not even a “tone” in your voice that hints at shame or judgment. Your language should be firm and friendly. There is no reason for judgment, lectures, tones, or exasperation; enact the consequence and move on.
Consistent
You must follow through and be consistent with consequences. If you tell them you won’t do their laundry if it’s not in the basket, then don’t. If you say you won’t take their laptop when they forget it, don’t.
Real consequences do no harm to the relationship because they are logical and friendly. However, they also convey the importance of the boundary. So many parents complain about their children not following rules, but it’s consistency that is often the problem. And believe me, I know how hard it is to be consistent! It was definitely my weakness as a parent, so because of this, I have put together some of my favorite tips for this under Ongoing Enforced Boundaries.
Enforceable Statements
These are one-sentence statements that clearly explain what you will or won’t do in response to an overstepped boundary. We can’t control other people’s behavior (even our kids’), but we can control our response to their behavior.
Here is a list of great Enforceable Statement starters:
• When___, then ____ .
o When your shoes are on, then I know you’re ready to leave.
o When you can speak respectfully to me, then we can continue the conversation.
• I will _____ when ____ .
o I will continue driving when the car is quiet.
o I will listen to your story when I’m done cooking dinner.
• As soon as _____, then _____ .
o As soon as the dishes from yesterday are clean, then I can start cooking dinner for tonight.
o As soon as your room is clean, then I know you are ready to invite a friend over.
These give clear directions as to what the expectations are. Most importantly, be ready to enforce the statement. For example, if you tell your children you will leave when they have their shoes on, you might start getting them prepared earlier to allow for the dawdling, or maybe plan it for an event that is okay if you are a few minutes late. If you think your older child won’t do the dishes before it’s time to cook, then have a backup plan for dinner. You will not have to do this often. Remember, it takes maybe twice (consistently) before they’ll realize you’re serious. It’s not like you are going to have months of leaving early or planning backup dinners. But if these are the times when your children are most likely to push limits, then plan a couple of upcoming days to stick to enforcing the boundaries.
Enforceable statements are delivered unemotionally and succinctly. I know this seems too simple, but I am telling you, as a teacher, I was amazed how quickly the kids moved when I changed the phrasing this way! I am not sure what the magic is here exactly, but I don’t question it. It works!
Important Note
Make sure you don’t use these to enact punishments! If what you say you will or won’t do is used to hurt, get power over, control, shame, humiliate, etc., the child, then it is a punishment.
Momentary Reciprocated Boundaries
You will see Power-Seeking behavior and will feel angry, challenged, defeated, wanting to give in or fight back.
Your child may need more power, control, freedom, choice, independence, or to feel more competent and capable.
Immediate Choice
First: Consequences do not work for Power-Seeking children! These children feel powerless or out of control and are trying to get some kind of power for themselves. This is a normal reaction when anyone feels trapped or controlled. You may not understand why they feel this way, but they do, so try to get into a place of compassion by pausing and breathing.
After you take a breath, the best immediate response for a child seeking control is to give them choices. Limit the choices however you want, but give them some control over their situation immediately. Use the needs, order, and routine of the current situation to help you explain the reason for the limit.
Young children usually do best with two choices:
• “I can tell you don’t want to hold my hand in the store, but it’s too easy for you to get lost. So, you can either hold my hand or get in the shopping cart. Which would you like?”
• “You can’t eat in the living room because it will leave too much of a mess, and we don’t want bugs. You can either sit in your chair at the table or on a stool at the bar.”
• “I see you want to brush your teeth yourself, and that’s great! Do you want me to help you while you’re brushing or check your mouth once you’re done?”
Older children don’t need as many limits, but they still need a rational explanation of why the limit is necessary. If it’s not necessary, it will be very hard to stick to, so it may mean you have to let go of some control.
• “Okay, maybe right now isn’t the right time to empty the dishwasher, but I need it done tonight so I can fill it tomorrow morning. Since bedtime is at ten, when do you think is a good time to do it? How will you remember? Do you want to set an alarm on your phone?”
• “I understand you want to play video games right now, but you must also complete your homework. What is your plan to make time for both?”
• “I get that you want to go out with friends tonight, but we have to get up early for an appointment tomorrow, so you shouldn’t be out late. Let’s figure out a time that makes sense.”
If your children sense that you are setting this limit to control for no real, necessary reason, they will continue to fight back. Remember, boundaries are necessary for the health, safety, and order of the home. You may have to really dig in and ask yourself, “Do the dishes need to be done right now? Why?…Do they even have homework that has to be done tonight? Why?…Do they really need to be home early? Why?”
If you have logical reasons, then it makes sense to your child, removing the power dynamic between you and them, so they drop the fight because they won’t feel like you are trying to boss them. If you struggle to find a logical reason you need them to do something, but you still need them to do it, then try having a Cooperative Conversation (in Established Boundaries) with them. Drop down into your truth and say you aren’t comfortable with them being out late with this group of friends and come up with a limit that you can both agree on.
Important Note
If the power struggle turns into a tantrum, the best immediate strategy is to simply to give them words for their big feelings and validate that their experience is really hard and you’re sorry they are upset. Then you can provide choices for their comfort: Would they like a hug or for you to sit with them? Let them lead and wait out the big feelings to calm down before offering solutions. If you have an older child and the power struggle turns into a conflict, read through Resolving Conflict Calmly in the Respect section.
Usually, after Power-Seeking children have been given an immediate choice, the momentary misbehavior will subside. However, if you are noticing a lot of passive or active power struggles, it is probably because your child needs more ongoing power or control in their lives.